Mission on.

I’m on a bit of a personal mission at the moment so when a low the size of North America filled the Atlantic all I really wanted to do was surf the biggest waves there was on offer.
As ever it turned into a bit of a scenario, loads of travelling and more driving than once thought humanly possible but a last minute decision left me driving through Portugal and Spain with Eric Ribiere to get to France where the plan was to paddle Belharra, which is a spot 2km out to sea and a world famous big wave spot.
I didn’t really know what to expect although of course I’ve seen videos and photos of the place but it’s usually known as a tow spot, so paddling around out to sea and trying to get yourself in the spot was definitely going to be testing.
The long and short of it I ended up getting a few on the head but I also managed to get myself under this, that’s me on the left and Nathan Fletcher on the right, it’s a pretty bumpy fat wave but a really good experience and I hope to be down there next time it breaks. Thanks to Eric for lending me a board big enough and Alex Laurel for the ski ride out there. I got the photo from Timo Jarvinens facebook page.

Perfect timing

Everything in life is about the perfect timing, I’m beginning to understand this more and more and although it seems a lot of these elements are out of your hands and a lot of luck is involved it’s just not the case and to a degree you can control this yourself. The key is waiting, planning and knowing when the time is right to be on top of your game, peak to early you’re spent when the time comes and too late, well you’ve missed your chance to shine.
I’m the sort of human that generally peaks to early, I get so excited, have so much energy I just find it hard to control and wait for the right moment to release. It’s been a problem all my life but realising and admitting that is the first step, isn’t it? I’ve been working on it for some time and on the odd occasion I’ve nailed it like my first wave at Mullaghmore back in March but I haven’t perfected it yet.
So the waves were pretty big last week, possibly the biggest and most perfect I’ve ever seen but the problem was I peaked to early, got my bones rattled and when it was my time to shine I just couldn’t perform.
It’s all work in progress. But If you feel the need to follow it more closely LIKE my new Facebook page which I’ll update as much as humanly possible or I think appropriate which of course is a blurry bendy line.

Twice as long as half

Look at that face, how can someone so handsome be so talented? I’m a marketing dream if only someone out there could just see that.
So the reason for the serious face and concentration is I’ve been doing this FII Waterman Survival course down in Nazare, Portugal with World free diving champion Martin Stepanek. Although I do get quite into my training I’ve never been one to do breath holding or anything like that and I usually approach any wipe out scenario just by relaxing and going with the flow and knowing at some point I’ll surface and everything will be just the same as it was before. It’s worked until now so I must be doing something right but I did jump at the chance to do this course and see how the pros do it and get myself more confidence when in the mixer.
The result is I have increased my breath hold big time with a water static of 4.05 minutes and I’ve learned some great training techniques which I can apply in the pool and on dry land, this over time should increase that even more. I’d recommend anyone looking to gain confidence in the sea to do this course as it was a real eye opener.
Thanks Martin and Ryan for passing on your knowledge but also Garrett for getting me involved, really stoked. Thanks.

Open windows

Cold Feat from Mikey on Vimeo.

‘Dear Katie, please pass this message to Andrew, It’s from the sound of music!!! WHEN THE LORD CLOSES A DOOR HE OPENS A WINDOW!! Xx’
This is the text my mother in law sent Katie late last week. It did touch a little nerve and a tear came to my eye as I did 100 press ups then downed a can of larger to prove real men can get emotional too.
So the reason she sent me this message was I had a bit of bad news last week as my long term sponsor Analog announced they were heading back to the hills and leaving me at the beach. It’s a bit of a scenario really as it seemed to be going so well. That’s life I suppose and times are tough, it was an amazing 7 or so years with the brand and I owe a lot to them in believing in me and giving me that extra bit of help in getting me where I wanted to go. So a special thanks to all involved over the years.
On a brighter note check my new clip out that Mikey edited for me. Anyone fancy sponsoring the best looking big wave surfer in the business? (not including Mark Vissor of course). It’s an opportunity not to be missed.

Bendy Plans

I hate making plans too far in advance, it doesn’t have to be organised fun just plain and simple plans like getting from A to B or having to be at C at a certain time. It really gets in the way sometimes but all plans have to be pretty bendy right, nothings a dead cert, which is why I changed my plans to fly back to London last week and go to the G Shock awards which I was nominated for in the sport category. Problem is when you tell people you changed your plans that you arranged months ago so you could go surfing they don’t quite believe you. Fair enough as it does sound a bit much especially if you don’t surf, you’d probably think I’m being pretty rude.
So unfortunately I missed the award ceremony but luckily I managed to surf a couple waves like the one pictured above. But what’s more amazing is that I actually freaking won. So thanks to G Shock for the recognition in what I love to do and Sam Lamiroy for collecting the award for me, luckily for myself and G Shock he’s far better at the old public speaking and drinking, which isn’t hard but unfortunately not quite as good looking.

Romance.

Got married the other week, what an amazing day of emotions and joy shared with our nearest and dearest and now we’re on our honeymoon. As a proper romantic and all that I took my lovely wife and 2 gorgeous children to Portugal to watch me surfing, you know team Cotton. They’re like my travelling fan club. I’ve made them up banners, flags and even a cardboard cut out of my face so when I go surfing they all stand on the beach and cheer me on, this can be a little embarrassing at times but that’s life plus it makes me feel great and isn’t that what life’s all about.
Although some of the above is in jest surfing really does make me happy and it feels so good to be back surfing some good waves again and to have team Cotton joining me and cheering me on.
So at this point you’d probably think I’d put in a great photo of the 4 of us having a lovely romantic time in sunny Portugal enjoying our Honeymoon/family holiday. Nah, check out this sick little left I surfed the other day near Nazare. Loving life.

Would've, could've, should've.

Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. I hate saying that to myself, Often than not it’s about surfing, watching back footage, over analysing situations or just sofa surfing whilst watching clips of other surfers on the internet, but not always. It can be about a situation which I just didn’t think fast enough or didn’t have the balls to confront when I had my chance. Doesn’t mean anything though really as the simple fact is I didn’t, the moments already gone and in some cases didn’t even happen, nothing can be changed unless I bump into Doc Brown next time I’m in Tesco’s, which unfortunately is pretty unlikely.
I did my first ever triathlon at the weekend, I don’t really compete much at sports, I hate team games and I find it hard to enter things I know I really have no hope in winning but putting that aside I did get really into it. Problem is now I just have that feeling that I could’ve done things differently, should’ve gone harder and overall I would’ve done better. I didn’t.
Maybe next time I will, kind of looking forward to it already.

Everyone loves a shark story

Everyone loves a good shark story, especially here in the UK, which is why there’s no surprise every summer there always ends up being a couple in the UK press. My favourite this summer came from the UK’s best and most experienced lifeguards Jack and Jim who managed to clear the swimming area at the local beach after spotting what they suspected to be a shark. I can’t confirm or deny these claims as unfortunately I wasn’t there. Which is a shame as I would have loved to jump on the old summer time shark band wagon, could have got my name in the paper or maybe even made the telly again.
My personal experience with sharks has been limited really although I did have a shocker one time when was feeling rather frivolous and surfing a remote reef in indo, at my point of euphoria I spotted a pretty dam big fin heading straight for me at speed. Needless to say I reacted quickly and paddled so hard in the direction of the shore managing to catch the first wave, standing up and surfing it to dry reef. I was a little shaken and also a little gutted as I was having a pretty epic solo session, maybe it was just too good.
Anyway, summers pretty much done, which is a relief. The weather was the main talking point as it always is and I can’t say much for the surf although I did have some great little surf’s on my 5’2” Fugly which I borrowed from Tiki.
Looking forward to winter now, flights already booked for Portugal but I’m not sure on what the shark chat is down there though. Might have to ask Jack and Jim at work tomorrow. I’m sure they’ll know.

Biology

My biology teacher didn’t like me at school, she never told me to my face but I could just tell deep down I really pissed her off and she just couldn’t stand me and no matter what I did or how well I did it I was always going to fail that biology class. Odd as I’m a bloody nice guy and not to bad at biology either but you can’t win them all and on the plus side my chemistry teacher loved me and no matter what I did or how bad I did I always managed to pass and do well in that class. Although at first I just assumed these scenarios it wasn’t until the end of my schooling life it became more and more obvious to me, the fact that I copied all my chemistry course work word for word off my mate and he only managed to scrape a C and myself, well I sailed through with an A was a slight give away. That and the fact that no matter what I did or to be honest who I copied, It was always the complete opposite in biology. Lifes just so freaking strange sometimes.
This is a photo of me when I was on the telly. Been on there a lot the past 6 months, usually about being the mega famous surfing super star that I am although this particular time I look more like someone off of crime watch but it definitely had nothing to do with biology or chemistry.

Proper Devon

I’m not Cornish, born in Plymouth see which makes me Devonshire the same as my parents. Dad was born in Barnstaple and my Mum in a shed on the outskirts of Crediton (she probably wasn’t) although my sister was born In Turo as my folks lived down that way for a while so I suppose she’s kind of Cornish but then again probably not as neither our parents are so even though she was born in Cornwall she’s not really Cornish as both our parents are Devonians, it gets confusing as I’m not sure whether you’d say she was half Cornish or maybe just a third but I can say she’s not proper Devonshire or Cornish for that matter. Poor Hayley, I feel like the lucky one now.

Just been down to the Atlantic Games in Brittany as I was a responsible adult for the junior Devon team, you know give up my time for free to make sure they don’t do anything silly, get them to the beach on time and also for their heats, giving them a bit of encouragement and maybe some pointers and words of wisdom. Well I think that was the job description. It’s a funny role as to be honest the majority of the kids are far more responsible than me, I’m not great at talking to people I don’t know and I’m not much of a group person either as I like my own company and a bit of peace and quiet. They did do well though and it was good hanging out with and getting to know the Devon surf stars of the future.

Spent a bit of time with these boys down there too which was a bit of eye opener and I’d make a bit of a guess and say they’re definitely proper Cornish.

Jonesys thoughts on organised fun

There’s two types of people in this world, people who like "organised fun" and people who don't. The first group would love nothing more than slipping on a comedy wig and a tee shirt with a highly amusing nickname on the back and someone's ugly gurning face on the front, (that they will only ever wear once before it sits festering at the bottom of their wardrobe) and going paint balling, or to Ibiza or Newquay and acting like a pride of twat lions. "oh look at us and how much fecking fun we're having". Now don't get me wrong, that's fine, that's what they like to do, good for them, but it isn't for me thank you very much. I like having fun, I'm a pretty funny type of guy, I just don’t like being told exactly when and how to enjoy myself, and what I have to wear to ensure that I am having the most extreme fun possible. I've been watching a bit of Wimbledon, I like tennis and it's nice to be able to watch some sport without having a dirty big dish stuck on the side of my house and paying for the privilege, and seeing Andy Murray play has I must admit, been a bit inspirational. I haven't gone all mental and stuck a flag outside the house, or developed a Scottish accent but it has been good to watch. Even better has been seeing him in interviews after matches, answering pointless questions that increasingly seem to have one aim, to try and make the guy smile. He is getting slagged off left right and centre for not smiling much or showing any emotion - so what? He is a professional sportsman at the height of his career who trains every hour god sends, probably on his serve or backhand approach play rather than telling jokes or acting the clown. If I want to see some gormless grinning idiot on telly I put on cbeebies, there's fecking hundreds on there, but I don't see Mr Tumble playing in the men's finals anytime soon (probably a good thing, I wouldn't personally trust him around the ball boys). I much prefer seeing a focused sports pro getting on with his job and winning through his ability, and ignoring all the criticism he's getting for not constantly grinning like someone who's just taught their dog to shit money. I'm sure he's having the time of his life, and if he doesn't show it, so what. Those who criticise him for not gurning like a Glastonbury dropout after every point are probably the same people whooping and hollering because "Spunky" has just spilt his 10th jäger bomb of the afternoon down his "Keith's last stand" tee shirt in billy budds beer garden (Spunky always has been a lightweight twit). Anyway, point is, I don't like organised fun or being told when I'm supposed to be having a good time. Neither does my mate Cotton.

Life is Ace according to Blakey

Life is ACE. Life is extreme. Life is people. Life is wearing no bra, getting all wet, and jumping up and down aimlessly. There is no why. Then, such purpose, such dedication, determination, such complete utter lunacy. What a unique human this Andrew Cotton character is. His stag do was a good reflection of his personality. There was no point making a man strip naked and wear silly costumes when he has done that most days for the last 20 years of his life. More ridiculous would have been to make him sit there and read a book or watch a movie, which I’ve never seen him do. He is too thirsty, thirsty for life, the people in it and their idiosyncrasies. We did buy him a leg humping uniform; a leather sausage holder but he was being so interestingly ludicrous without it that we made Lyndon Wake wear it and his morph costume instead. Cotton is very humble about his big wave antics and much prefers talking about penises. “I’d prefer to watch your penis bounce up and down for an hour than watch an episode of big brother” was a text I received from him last night. In fact Jonesy and I had to steal his limelight on our visit to the XXL penis awards in LA proclaiming ourselves to everyone as “Big Shits” with $50.000 prize money to throw at the moon. Not Andy, he doesn’t even like talking about it. How was catching that 50ft wave? “Yea was alright yea” Is the most you can get out of him. This penchant for extremity has transferred itself to his new life as an extremely exceptional father to little Ace Cotton. Just the other day I was round there when it was Ace’s bath time. Ace kept saying: arrrrrrrrr marrrrrrrrrrrr rrrarrrrrrrrrrrrr. “Shut up steve or I’ll put you in the bin” was cottons response. But he never did and he never will. Just jokes, because life doesn’t always have to be so serious. Although as a parent why not just put a baby in a room (not a bin) where you can’t hear it and just let in cry until it stops? And why not just not let it sleep in the day, make it wait until evening, then it will be so tired it won t wake you up all night? Shall I write a book? Cotton will be extreme as a family man. Extremely exceptional. His little girl is Honeylicous and his boy is Acemazing and his future wife is fabulous and very understanding! She too is unique, in that she laughs in the face of his physical and metaphorical bouncing penis instead of chastising it and his personality as thousands would. She is certainly not a handbrake and Andy and Ace are very lucky to nestle in the metaphorical and physical bosom of her humanity. Looking forward to the wedding in September! Andrew Blake (Ba hons, Cert ed) Sponsor me to shave my head here: https://www.justgiving.com/thebigcfundraiser Book a BayFitness Health, lifestyle and Fitness or SURFIT retreat here: http://www.bayfitness.co.uk/Retreats.htm

Herding Cats

I’m Ross, a.k.a Andy and my friend Cotty asked me to produce a few words for his blog, so he can slack off from updating it himself for a couple weeks… I’m going talk to you about the recovery from our stag do in Barcelona last week, I can’t remember much, and what I can I haven’t come to terms with myself yet. 16 of us made the trip entitled ‘Barcelunacy’, and contrary to popular belief most of us made it back after successfully putting a financial rescue package straight into the heart of the economy. We felt we played a big part in stabilising the country allowing Xabi Alonso and co to concentrate on knocking France out of Euro 2012 (don’t worry Cotton he’s a famous kickballer, there’s a big ‘kickballing’ competition on at the moment) So I’m writing this from my bed, its 10.15pm on a Saturday night and those of you who have met me know this is an unusual place to find me at this point in the week, a week on and I’m still ruined, I’ve caught some stupid bug that’s kickin’ my ass, why me? I’m normally the one who laughs in the face of all nighters at Glastonbury, not this time, this time my numbers up! Yet everyone else was back to the grind within a couple days… Cotty swam the beach in under 8 minutes on Tues (B.S.D) Jonesy (last man standing) went to work after a 3hours sleep, straight back in the rhythm. A. Blake was running his boot camps and yoga sessions on Tuesday. I. Blake steadily worked his way through list of jobs his pregnant girlfriend had kindly left for him, he almost enjoyed it, same again next time Tam. Macca text saying he was enjoying a 4pk of Stella on Tuesday night. I gather Rim, Rob, Neil, Si, Horley, Turner and Lyndon(the quiet one) all integrated back into society with relative ease Only Josh complained a lot, of feeling anxious, vulnerable and shivery. The Bevans’ status is still unknown, I wrote their postcodes on their arms if found please return, we like them. So in conclusion I’ve decided I can’t handle it anymore and I’m hanging up my party hat……for now anyway.

Barca-Lunacy

I’ve got amazing mates, there amazing in so many different ways. Each individual and bringing something a little different to the group every time and the best bit about it is there not all surf, surf, surf which although we all do enjoy it it’s not the only thing in life that can put a smile on your face. So I had my stag do last weekend, as you can imagine it was carnage from the second I left my front door. 16 extreme individuals roaming Barcelona for a whole weekend, but it wasn’t your stereotypical stag where I got made to wear silly costumes, having to do ridiculous for fits or got tied to a lamppost, humiliated and left for the night. Let’s face it there’s just no need. Like I said everyone contributed something a little different and in some cases a little strange which was a relief as no one judged and the focus wasn’t all on me for the weekend and everyone just behaved like themselves with no peer pressure to be something they’re not or someone they don’t want to be. We spent the majority of the weekend practicing our sprinting up and down the boardwalk as A Blake demonstrates above. Another average weekend really.

3 Wise Men

I love my iPhone. It's that obsessive compulsive behaviour that I'm doomed with and I find it so hard just to put the bloody thing down. Everything too excess and so far from normal it gets worrying. So much so I just got this new water proof casing for it the other day so I can even take it in the shower with me now. I’m never doing anything important or in particular, just scrolling up and down through social networking sites making the odd sarcastic comment hoping someday I’ll get a reply. I took this abnormal behaviour to the next level last week when I signed my 2 month old son Ace Winston up to twitter and began having a conversation with myself in the twitter sphere. Holy shit I’m losing it and need help, I can’t even find the time to do the simplest thing anymore let alone blog as I’m constantly looking at my iPhone. Luckily for me I’ve got the 3 wise men to help. Let’s just call them The Andys even though one is called Ross but names aren’t important here as they’re all the best men for my wedding in September. They’re going to do a few blogs for me over the next month. They’ll be funnier not as negative and probably won’t rant as much. Or maybe they will? I more than likely won’t read it as I’ll be too busy on my phone doing nothing.

Finally won something....

I’m so stoked I’ve won this new Mark Visser iPhone case. I never really win anything and this has to be up there with one of my all time life wins. Although I did travel out to LA last weekend with my good mates from home, Andy and Andy and had a 3 day Andy fest at the Billabong XXL awards where I was in the final for the ‘Biggest Wave 2012’ category (you might or might not have seen something about it on the net or in the mags but probably not) which has to be up there too. Of course I didn’t win, I didn’t think in a million years I would but it was a chance for us Andy’s to bond a little, wear matching pink pants and pretend we’re big shit to complete strangers. Every cloud has a silver lining though and as well as having the most fun humanly possible without being arrested or dying, Gmac got the nod from the judges at the awards and claimed 1st prize. A new world record was set and 15 grand prize purse which he very kindly split with me for whipping him into the beast back on 1st November 2011 at Nazare, Portugal. You could say I’m pretty stoked, it’s been a huge year for me in every way imaginable, Baby, marriage, XXL nomination and just being involved in a world record. Thanks to everyone who helped make it happen, family, sponsors, Analog, tiki, The Thatch, bay spas and friends, Al Mennie, Garrett and Nicole, The Andys and of course not forgetting Mark Visser...... I love that iPhone case.

Cone head

Our next door neighbour has 4 cars. fair enough, there’s no laws on how many cars you’re allowed in life although I expect it must be quite expensive to keep them all on the road as I struggle just to keep my shit yellow van taxed and insured but maybe he’s a footballer or something, I hear they usually have loads of cars but not sure who he would be playing for living in Braunton. It is quite excessive but then again he’d probably think I’m excessive with the amount of surfboards I have in my life. It’s not the cars that bother me though as I’m not really into cars, as long as they get me from A to B and are reasonably safe I don’t care what I drive. The thing that I can’t understand is that after taking up all the parking spaces outside our house with his 4 cars he also feels the need to reserve a parking space with a freaking CONE whenever he takes one for a spin. I don’t understand it. Am I missing something here? Every time I see this CONE I want to break down and cry, I’m not sure why but it just makes me really sad and a little frustrated with life. On a brighter non-CONE note I just booked a ticket to LA to go to the XXL awards. I’m sure it will be a whole lot of fun and an experience to tell the kids when they’re older. Thanks to everyone for the support this year, ANALOG, TIKI and The THATCH in Croyde. Very much appreciated and looking forward to next winter already.

The way that I do it.

Long ago a wise man once told me ‘It’s not what you do it’s the way that you do it’. Take from that what you will but I think I know what he was getting at which is why after the drunken phone calls, twitter harassment, leg humping and chasing the Editor-in-Chief of the above magazine through a field I’d be pretty surprised if they’d ever want to run a shot of me for the rest of my surfing days. Fair enough why would they.
So you could say I was shocked when I heard they wanted to run a shot of me in the above issue although at the same time extremely happy. But when I bought my copy, which you can too from any good news agent and realised I didn’t have just one but two double page shots and a couple of inserts I couldn’t quite believe it. They even describe me as their ‘favourite plumber’.
Might phone him up late on Saturday night, early Sunday morning and thank him personally or maybe just hump his leg again next time I see him, I know how much he’d appreciate it.

Ace Winston Cotton

I like a good coffee in the morning, trouble is in North Devon if you want a decent one before 9 or 10 you’ll be lucky because nowhere is usually open. The other day I walked into a cafe at 9.57am to get my morning latte and was told I would have to wait outside 3 minutes until they opened, obviously I asked if I could just get one 3 minutes early but was denied as they officially didn’t open till 10am. I didn’t wait.
So this is little Honey with her new brother Ace, bless them. I’m relieved he’s finally here because the same questions and baby spiel was tipping me over the edge. ‘Are you excited?’ ‘is Honey excited?’ ‘do you know what you’re having’? Boy or girl?’, ‘what would you prefer?’ and my favourite, the classic ‘not long now then!’
What can I say, childbirth: A truly amazing experience which can’t be described and no one would believe unless you’ve actually been there which brought tears to my eyes but I’m not one of these dads who’s deluded about his child as to be honest he looked a little bit like a blue E.T when he first came out. Surprisingly he isn’t ginger, but he does have massive red balls just like his dad. Welcome to the world Ace I’m sure you’ll love it.

Last month

South Of The Border, Volume 3. from Luke Pilbeam on Vimeo.

I could post the video of all the XXL nominations and bleat on about I’m not just in them for the biggest wave but I also towed Gmac into his nomination for ride of the year too and how great I must be but I’m a pretty modest guy and not one to blow my own trumpet. Instead check out the last clip we made of our winter in Ireland and the lead up to THAT Mullaghmore session.

Paul the Plumber from Bundoran

Wonder what Paul the plumber from Bundoran has been up to the past few weeks. Probably fixed some leaky taps, fitted a heating system or bathroom then gone down The Chasing Bull had a few beers with the boys, harassed the band playing then did some lunges and maybe a press up or 2.
I on the other hand got towed into a wave at Mullaghmore which ended up getting some XXL attention which got me on the telly at home and abroad, the cover of a surf mag, made back page on the North Devon Journal, was in the Gold Coast Bulletin in Aus and just pretty much got global surfing attention. You could say I wasn’t expecting that and I do apologise if towards the end of the week you were bored senseless and tired of seeing or hearing about it, it wasn't completely my fault. Rather than bore everyone even more with the same shot by posting my cover shot or the XXL entry I thought a photo of me and Paul would be more appropriate, I am missing him.

Mullaghmore

What a week, I could tell you all about my surf induced twitter breakdown or my new mate Paul the plumber from Bundoran who I was harassing the band with as I do, in the chasing bull last friday night or even the fact that I was over it all, packed away my boards and swore blind I’d never return to Ireland let alone live here for months on end but at the last minute just couldn't leave and decided to stay for just 4 more days and see it through. Although all 3 would make far more interesting blogging and reading I’ve opted for the more professional approach and will focus on mully and my first wave I caught on Thursday morning at 10.06am.
Mullaghmore was the first wave I ever surfed in Ireland years ago when Al Mennie invited me over to come paddle with him after he felt he needed to prove a point that Ireland had bigger waves than Madeira. Since then we’ve had our ups and downs, I’ve lost a ski out there, a knee brace and had kicking’s that have left me unable to walk for days but this wave was worth waiting for and I’m stoked I went with my heart and not my brain, thank you Ireland, thank you Mullaghmore and of course thank you Al. I’ll be sure to come back.

Dustbin dicks

Am I being completely out of order when I say that bin men in the UK are generally a little bit annoying and that’s being nice, yes of course I am making a generalisation and of course I’m sure there are exceptions but on the whole my take on the bin men in the UK is they’d do anything or find any reason not to take your rubbish which at the end of the day is what their paid for, and the recycle guys well that’s another story but they usually throw more recycling all over the floor than they do in the actual trucks.
It never used to be like this, I remember when I was a lad many moons ago my folks used to put all sorts of crap out for the bin men in a vast array of different quantities and they’d pretty much always take it therefore my folks always gave them a little tip for Christmas, nothing mental but It only takes a few people on every street to do this and there quids in. That’s how it was and everyone was happy, after all it all ends up in the same place. Not now though, not in the black wheelie bin not a chance seems to be the general situation at home.
However over the past few months I’ve come to realise the bin men in Ireland seem to be cut from a different cloth, it doesn’t matter how much rubbish you put out they’ll always take it which goes for the recycling guys too, it’s so refreshing and very handy as I haven’t put the bins out for 2 weeks now and we’ve got a shit load of rubbish.
Hope there not expecting a tip we’re moving out soon.

Team twat

There we are look, Team twat. I always used to take the piss out of my mates who played Angry Birds on their iphones especially when they used to bang on about what level they were at and how brilliant it was, as they sat there wasting their lives playing on their iphones, well that was until I actually got one then downloaded the thing. Now my obsessive compulsive behaviour has gone off the richter scale and I can’t put the fecking thing down, none of this is helped by Lyndon who is also slightly obsessed by this silly game himself. I am very easily led and influenced and it was sort of his fault I picked up this addiction in the first place.
Surf what surf? I did hear though that it has been pumping and although I have driven down to check it a few times I usually just sit in my van and play angry birds rather than put a stinking cold wetsuit on and waste my time in the sea. Can anyone help me out on world 16 level 8? I’m having a shocker.

Photo:David OlsthoornPhotography

First Wave

I waved to about 50 complete strangers today, they started it as they waved first which meant I sort of had to wave back not that I didn’t want to as everyone seems to wave to everyone in Ireland regardless of whether they actually know you or not. This doesn’t happen in England, I don’t even wave to my mates at home let alone those awkward scenarios when you’re not sure if you actually know someone well enough to wave as you’ve only spoken to them once and that was years ago and now you only see them driving past on occasions and they might not recognise or remember you then they’ll think who the hell is that weirdo waving at me in that shit yellow van. I’d just rather avoid it all shut my eyes, not wave and pretend it never happened.  So why the feck have I started waving to complete strangers now?
With all this waving going down it sort of makes you feel a bit happier without you even realising it, almost like these complete waving strangers are happy to see me so therefore you’re happy to see them making everyone involved pretty dam happy, that’s got to be good for general happiness and day to day waving morale .
My favourite wave has to be the finger point which is generally done by older men and van drivers where most woman tend to use their whole hand, I personally like to go for the little finger wave as it’s not too full on yet still friendly enough if you give them a little smile at the same time.
This is the first wave on my new Gulfstream tow board and it defiantly made me feel happy.

A surf blog

Enough of this blogging about old naked men drying their todgers with hand dryers, getting punched in the face for no apparent reason other than I’m only slightly ginger, having a shit van or stupid dogs who try and commit suicide every time you drive past them.  These aren’t the sort of things that people want to hear about and I’m told it scares off potential sponsors too. It’s supposed to be all about surfing and how great it always is, and although January was basically shit and it was hard to keep up enthusiasm we did have one good day and I’ve just realised that I haven’t even mentioned it on here which is sort of bizarre as this is a surfing blog.
OK so it wasn’t epic and I didn’t get any absolute bombs but here’s a frame grab from one to give you an idea.

Hand dryer dick swing.

I’ve been scarred for life, the other day I saw an old naked man drying himself under a hand dryer in the changing rooms at the gym, the strangest thing about this was it wasn’t like he’d forgotten his towel as he was holding it in one hand and pushing the button with the other whilst swinging himself under the hand dryer. I’m not one to judge as I am known to do some pretty odd things myself but this is exceptional public behaviour by anyone’s standards, in the privacy of your own home maybe yes do whatever feels good but in the changing rooms of the local gym, come on mate why can’t you just use your towel like everyone else in here rather than getting all up close and personal with the hand dryer and swinging it all over the place. As I left he tried talking to me, luckily he’d finally put some pants on after his hand dryer acrobatics but I just panicked, agreed with whatever he said and made for a quick exit trying not to get eye contact.
Obviously I couldn’t put a photo of a naked old man on my blog no matter how much I really wanted too although I could have taken a photo of the hand dryer mentioned but in the end just decided to post a picture of my glorious self in my new Tiki Zepha wetsuit, which is keeping me warm enough though not to behave like the old man in the gym which is good news for everyone involved.

New name for matey boy.

I’ve renamed my van ‘Twat’ I used to call it matey boy but that was when we got on and I felt it was taking me places, now it’s just become unreliable and just breaks down when you really need him to push on through almost like its slowly giving up the game, costing me a feck load of money in the process. The last time it broke down I had this sudden urge, instead getting it towed to the nearest garage to get it fixed, I’d get it towed to the nearest lake, dowse it in petrol, set fire to the fecker then push its burning corpse in and watch it slowly sink then just forget about it and pretend I never even owned a van.
I didn’t though as what would that achieve, bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face or whatever that saying is and although I have renamed my van Twat deep down I still have a lot of love for it. So I took it to the garage where they performed life saving surgery on its vital bits and he now lives to tell another tale, well for the time being.....

Painful.......

Painful isn’t it. Bit like last month when a complete stranger walked up to me outside the Boots on Falmouth high street and for no apparent reason apart from I’m slightly ginger and dashingly handsome punched me so hard in the face he knocked me clean out. I spent the night in Trelisk Hospital, Turo which is where my sister was born and ended up with 6 stitches in the back of my head and 5 in my face, ruining my plans for a future modelling career.
Surprisingly the Police weren’t that interested when I informed them about my scenario as I wasn’t parked on double yellow lines, speeding or involved in any other minor motoring offence and I left Cornwall l with a feck off headache, concussion and slightly confused about human nature and why me being knocked out by a fist to the face wasn’t classed as an assault by the local constabulary, but why would it.
Anyway none of that has anything to do with the amount of pain I’ve endured over the weekend which started early Saturday morning with the above photo and a road trip planned for great waves. 24 hours later, minus my van which is in a garage somewhere in Galway plus what I can only describe as a wacky race around Ireland we arrived at our surf destination. It was pumping and I got another kicking but no actual body harm was inflicted. I won’t bother reporting it to the police either there wouldn’t be any point.

Car park envy

I generally don’t use a towel, obviously I do when I get out the shower at home but it’s one of those things I don’t take or use when I go surfing. They usually end up damp and wet, then left in the van and stinking of mould with a slight tinge of wetsuit piss. I’d rather just put my clothes straight on and miss out the whole towel situation. It goes like this: wetsuit off down to waist, t shirt and jacket straight on, pull jacket over balls whilst stepping out of wetsuit then pants and jeans on at same time as quick as possible while still trying to cover my balls with my jacket. Simples, why would anyone need a towel?
Well this year my life and old ways have been turned upside down thanks to Dry robe and although I may look like a bit of a plumb and I’ve turned into one of those smug I’m enjoying getting changed in the car park even though its fecking cold and everyone else is hating life sort of guys, I have to say I’m quite pleased with myself. General folk are jealous I can tell.
Photo.http://davidolsthoorn.net/

Suicide dog

Don’t be fooled by its innocent I’m lonely come pat me eyes, this dog just narrowly escaped death when it tried to commit suicide in front of my van. In fact it narrowly escapes death quite a few times a day as it recklessly tries to throw itself under the wheels of unsuspecting, innocent passing cars. I don’t know its name but I do know I’d be in all sorts of emotional bother if one day it succeeded, maybe it knows that and that’s his plan. Well it isn’t going to work Mr Suicide Dog, not with me I’m far too careful and on the ball with my driving matey.
I’m back in Ireland for a few months and settling in nicely to our new home. It’s nice, cosy yet spacious and even has a garage but driving to and from it can be lethal as there seems to be quite a few dogs roaming free who try and throw themselves in front of your car and this little bugger is the worst for it.
Oh the surf’s been fun too.........