Andrew Cotton

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Hand dryer dick swing.

I’ve been scarred for life, the other day I saw an old naked man drying himself under a hand dryer in the changing rooms at the gym, the strangest thing about this was it wasn’t like he’d forgotten his towel as he was holding it in one hand and pushing the button with the other whilst swinging himself under the hand dryer. I’m not one to judge as I am known to do some pretty odd things myself but this is exceptional public behaviour by anyone’s standards, in the privacy of your own home maybe yes do whatever feels good but in the changing rooms of the local gym, come on mate why can’t you just use your towel like everyone else in here rather than getting all up close and personal with the hand dryer and swinging it all over the place. As I left he tried talking to me, luckily he’d finally put some pants on after his hand dryer acrobatics but I just panicked, agreed with whatever he said and made for a quick exit trying not to get eye contact.
Obviously I couldn’t put a photo of a naked old man on my blog no matter how much I really wanted too although I could have taken a photo of the hand dryer mentioned but in the end just decided to post a picture of my glorious self in my new Tiki Zepha wetsuit, which is keeping me warm enough though not to behave like the old man in the gym which is good news for everyone involved.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

New name for matey boy.

I’ve renamed my van ‘Twat’ I used to call it matey boy but that was when we got on and I felt it was taking me places, now it’s just become unreliable and just breaks down when you really need him to push on through almost like its slowly giving up the game, costing me a feck load of money in the process. The last time it broke down I had this sudden urge, instead getting it towed to the nearest garage to get it fixed, I’d get it towed to the nearest lake, dowse it in petrol, set fire to the fecker then push its burning corpse in and watch it slowly sink then just forget about it and pretend I never even owned a van.
I didn’t though as what would that achieve, bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face or whatever that saying is and although I have renamed my van Twat deep down I still have a lot of love for it. So I took it to the garage where they performed life saving surgery on its vital bits and he now lives to tell another tale, well for the time being.....

Monday, 16 January 2012


Painful isn’t it. Bit like last month when a complete stranger walked up to me outside the Boots on Falmouth high street and for no apparent reason apart from I’m slightly ginger and dashingly handsome punched me so hard in the face he knocked me clean out. I spent the night in Trelisk Hospital, Turo which is where my sister was born and ended up with 6 stitches in the back of my head and 5 in my face, ruining my plans for a future modelling career.
Surprisingly the Police weren’t that interested when I informed them about my scenario as I wasn’t parked on double yellow lines, speeding or involved in any other minor motoring offence and I left Cornwall l with a feck off headache, concussion and slightly confused about human nature and why me being knocked out by a fist to the face wasn’t classed as an assault by the local constabulary, but why would it.
Anyway none of that has anything to do with the amount of pain I’ve endured over the weekend which started early Saturday morning with the above photo and a road trip planned for great waves. 24 hours later, minus my van which is in a garage somewhere in Galway plus what I can only describe as a wacky race around Ireland we arrived at our surf destination. It was pumping and I got another kicking but no actual body harm was inflicted. I won’t bother reporting it to the police either there wouldn’t be any point.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Car park envy

I generally don’t use a towel, obviously I do when I get out the shower at home but it’s one of those things I don’t take or use when I go surfing. They usually end up damp and wet, then left in the van and stinking of mould with a slight tinge of wetsuit piss. I’d rather just put my clothes straight on and miss out the whole towel situation. It goes like this: wetsuit off down to waist, t shirt and jacket straight on, pull jacket over balls whilst stepping out of wetsuit then pants and jeans on at same time as quick as possible while still trying to cover my balls with my jacket. Simples, why would anyone need a towel?
Well this year my life and old ways have been turned upside down thanks to Dry robe and although I may look like a bit of a plumb and I’ve turned into one of those smug I’m enjoying getting changed in the car park even though its fecking cold and everyone else is hating life sort of guys, I have to say I’m quite pleased with myself. General folk are jealous I can tell.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Suicide dog

Don’t be fooled by its innocent I’m lonely come pat me eyes, this dog just narrowly escaped death when it tried to commit suicide in front of my van. In fact it narrowly escapes death quite a few times a day as it recklessly tries to throw itself under the wheels of unsuspecting, innocent passing cars. I don’t know its name but I do know I’d be in all sorts of emotional bother if one day it succeeded, maybe it knows that and that’s his plan. Well it isn’t going to work Mr Suicide Dog, not with me I’m far too careful and on the ball with my driving matey.
I’m back in Ireland for a few months and settling in nicely to our new home. It’s nice, cosy yet spacious and even has a garage but driving to and from it can be lethal as there seems to be quite a few dogs roaming free who try and throw themselves in front of your car and this little bugger is the worst for it.
Oh the surf’s been fun too.........