Life is ACE. Life is extreme. Life is people. Life is wearing no bra, getting all wet, and jumping up and down aimlessly. There is no why. Then, such purpose, such dedication, determination, such complete utter lunacy. What a unique human this Andrew Cotton character is.
His stag do was a good reflection of his personality. There was no point making a man strip naked and wear silly costumes when he has done that most days for the last 20 years of his life. More ridiculous would have been to make him sit there and read a book or watch a movie, which I’ve never seen him do. He is too thirsty, thirsty for life, the people in it and their idiosyncrasies. We did buy him a leg humping uniform; a leather sausage holder but he was being so interestingly ludicrous without it that we made Lyndon Wake wear it and his morph costume instead.
Cotton is very humble about his big wave antics and much prefers talking about penises. “I’d prefer to watch your penis bounce up and down for an hour than watch an episode of big brother” was a text I received from him last night. In fact Jonesy and I had to steal his limelight on our visit to the XXL penis awards in LA proclaiming ourselves to everyone as “Big Shits” with $50.000 prize money to throw at the moon. Not Andy, he doesn’t even like talking about it. How was catching that 50ft wave? “Yea was alright yea” Is the most you can get out of him.
This penchant for extremity has transferred itself to his new life as an extremely exceptional father to little Ace Cotton. Just the other day I was round there when it was Ace’s bath time. Ace kept saying: arrrrrrrrr marrrrrrrrrrrr rrrarrrrrrrrrrrrr. “Shut up steve or I’ll put you in the bin” was cottons response. But he never did and he never will. Just jokes, because life doesn’t always have to be so serious. Although as a parent why not just put a baby in a room (not a bin) where you can’t hear it and just let in cry until it stops? And why not just not let it sleep in the day, make it wait until evening, then it will be so tired it won t wake you up all night? Shall I write a book?
Cotton will be extreme as a family man. Extremely exceptional. His little girl is Honeylicous and his boy is Acemazing and his future wife is fabulous and very understanding! She too is unique, in that she laughs in the face of his physical and metaphorical bouncing penis instead of chastising it and his personality as thousands would. She is certainly not a handbrake and Andy and Ace are very lucky to nestle in the metaphorical and physical bosom of her humanity. Looking forward to the wedding in September!
Andrew Blake (Ba hons, Cert ed)
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